I’m posting here, because I have nowhere else to post.
I’m lost. I’ve been lost for the better part of a year.
I want to scream my secret, so I’m going to do it here. (I promise not to use Caps lock to emphasize the screaming….)
A year ago as of the 8th, I made a wrong turn in life. I began a casual adventure with my best friend. No feelings attached, or so to speak.Well, there were rules to prevent our friendship from going down the drain. He was worried that we would lose everything we had, if we continued to go down that path.
Rules. Simple, clear rules that we seemed to have done the exact opposite of.
I never showed those feelings (Oh, but did I have them…), nor did he. (He might have even had them, but that’s besides the point.)
We saw each other pretty much every day for two months.
We never argued, in fact there was no foreshadowing of any kind of what was to come.
March 1, 2012 He deleted me from his life.
When I say deleted, I am serious. Any form of social networking site, anything I gave to him, anything we did together, any proof that I ever existed in his life, it was all gone. I DON’T EXIST ANYMORE.
At the end of March I went to the doctors under a grim suspicion. I was right and I was two months pregnant. (Remember, I didn’t exist to him, so had been no communication between us.)
The first thing I wanted to do was tell him, ask him for help. I neededhim. He was the only shoulder to cry on I had.
And then I thought of the repercussions. As my ex was his best friend, I could only see the inevitable happening. It would turn into the, “She’s only saying she’s pregnant to try to get you back.” Scenario. I couldn’t go through that, I couldn’timaginethe look of disgust on his face. So I thought long and hard, and weighed my options.
As a mother of a toddler already, I couldn’t afford to bring another child into this world, but I couldn’t just jump to abortion. I thought about adoption, and then I realized, I have toworkto make sure my sonsurvives. I made a choice that goes against my beliefs. I made the appointment.
March 29th was the day I shriveled up emotionally. I stopped caring, I stopped loving, I stoppedfeeling.
To this day he doesn’t know the truth. He’s not ready for it. (Besides, he kind of has to be willing to look at me to hear me…)
I had one encounter with him in June. I had to corner him in his room to try and find out what I’d done that made him do this. (It was literally an overnight change and he never told me what I did…)
I got the normal answer from my generation. “Your face makes me sick to my stomach and you’re nothing but a whore.”
Due to Scar tissue from the “procedure” I am having problems with my reproductive organs. Apparently, there is scar tissue. I have a 50% chance of getting pregnant (as does everyone…) but only a 30% chance of making it past the first trimester.
This is not all on him, as it takes two to tango. I just wish I had him to lean on during the crappy parts.
Thank you Johnny.
Honestly, thank you.
You helped rip me apart from the inside out. You gave me that push towards rebuilding myself, and I’m better because of it. I hope one day, you’ll find all the happiness you deserve. I hope that one day, you’ll look back and stand strong in your decision. I’d hate for it to have happened for nothing.