Yeah Yeah Yeah

Oh boy, oh boy.

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 21:11:53 -0800

I’m posting here, because I have nowhere else to post.

I’m lost. I’ve been lost for the better part of a year.

I want to scream my secret, so I’m going to do it here. (I promise not to use Caps lock to emphasize the screaming….)

A year ago as of the 8th, I made a wrong turn in life. I began a casual adventure with my best friend. No feelings attached, or so to speak.Well, there were rules to prevent our friendship from going down the drain. He was worried that we would lose everything we had, if we continued to go down that path.

No feelings.
No arguing.
No attachment.
No fallout.

Rules. Simple, clear rules that we seemed to have done the exact opposite of.

I never showed those feelings (Oh, but did I have them…), nor did he. (He might have even had them, but that’s besides the point.)
We saw each other pretty much every day for two months.
We never argued, in fact there was no foreshadowing of any kind of what was to come.
March 1, 2012 He deleted me from his life.

When I say deleted, I am serious. Any form of social networking site, anything I gave to him, anything we did together, any proof that I ever existed in his life, it was all gone. I DON’T EXIST ANYMORE.

At the end of March I went to the doctors under a grim suspicion. I was right and I was two months pregnant. (Remember, I didn’t exist to him, so had been no communication between us.)

The first thing I wanted to do was tell him, ask him for help. I neededhim. He was the only shoulder to cry on I had.

And then I thought of the repercussions. As my ex was his best friend, I could only see the inevitable happening. It would turn into the, “She’s only saying she’s pregnant to try to get you back.” Scenario. I couldn’t go through that, I couldn’timaginethe look of disgust on his face. So I thought long and hard, and weighed my options.

As a mother of a toddler already, I couldn’t afford to bring another child into this world, but I couldn’t just jump to abortion. I thought about adoption, and then I realized, I have toworkto make sure my sonsurvives. I made a choice that goes against my beliefs. I made the appointment.

March 29th was the day I shriveled up emotionally. I stopped caring, I stopped loving, I stoppedfeeling.

To this day he doesn’t know the truth. He’s not ready for it. (Besides, he kind of has to be willing to look at me to hear me…)

I had one encounter with him in June. I had to corner him in his room to try and find out what I’d done that made him do this. (It was literally an overnight change and he never told me what I did…)

I got the normal answer from my generation. “Your face makes me sick to my stomach and you’re nothing but a whore.”

————————————————————————————————-

Due to Scar tissue from the “procedure” I am having problems with my reproductive organs. Apparently, there is scar tissue. I have a 50% chance of getting pregnant (as does everyone…) but only a 30% chance of making it past the first trimester.

This is not all on him, as it takes two to tango. I just wish I had him to lean on during the crappy parts.

Thank you Johnny.

Honestly, thank you.
You helped rip me apart from the inside out. You gave me that push towards rebuilding myself, and I’m better because of it. I hope one day, you’ll find all the happiness you deserve. I hope that one day, you’ll look back and stand strong in your decision. I’d hate for it to have happened for nothing.

One of these days.

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 01:29:00 -0700

There once was a boy and a girl, who as consenting adults made an agreement; no attachment, no advancement, no abandonment.
All was going well for two months, and then one day it just stopped.
No foreshadowing, no hints, no clues, no anything. The first few days were hard, nerve racking, but the hardest part came at the end of the month. That’s when she realized something was very wrong.

She prayed for the first time in years, hoped that she was incorrect in her assumption. She looked down, nope, she was right. She wanted denial, craved it even. Of course this would happen. Of course this was the person it would happen with. She went to the clinic the next day. Uneasy, guilty, plagued by her own thoughts. Everything about this was wrong, not in a whole, but personally.

What should she do? What could she do?

She couldn’t fall into this cycle again, she wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready. When they gave her the estimate, all she could do was laugh. Two months, two fucking months. Back when it all started. Justherluck.

She signed the papers and did her best to drift to a different place.

She kept it a secret, only be-known to her self. Who could she tell? Not him. Never him. Nobody. He had shown her that she could trust nobody.

She hurt, mentally and physically. Two months later she goes for a check up. My oh my, did she get some shocking news. There may be a complication. Scar tissue, they say. When she asked what they meant, they told her straight forward. Her world went spinning, her dreams went crashing.

Come back in six months, and we’ll know for sure.

She remained silent, as she let her thoughts devour every part of her being.

Whore, slut, idiot, failure, among a plethora of colorful words burning their way through her brain. And then she thought of him. A need, a thirst to protect came surging through her. She had to protect him, from all of this. He could never know, ever.

Why should she protect the man that left her on her own? Why does she feel this need? Why?

She doesn’t need to know why, she knows why. She made a promise, and she’ll keep it.

You know what they say.

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 20:20:45 -0700

“You don’t know what you had until you lose it.” I understand this now. I’ve contemplated getting rid of everything related to you, or that could bring about a thought of you. I haven’t been able to do this, though. Whenever I go to delete you, like you did to me, I just disappear. To a time and place when we were inseparable, unmovable.

You were/are my best friend. I’d give anything just to have you back in my life. We made a “mistake”, and for some reason,I’mthe one paying for it. I know it upset people, but why are you willing to let those people make your decisions for you?

I know I don’t exist in your world anymore, but you still exist in mine. And hopefully one day, you’ll see this.

You’ll never see this, and you’ll never know how I felt/feel. I’ll never be able to forget, and I’ll never be able to explain.

Good bye.

And when it all came down to it..

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 15:27:48 -0700

Seriously?

Erasing me from your life? FOR WHAT? Because someone let the cat out of the bag? Jesus, what was said wasn’t even true. But you’re going to let him ruin it.

What happened to being best friends? What happened to sticking together, when nobody else would stand by us?

Obviously his friendship means more than mine.

But please, take this into account….:

Who plunged himself into a depression and decided to drink his life away, all the while impacting your ability to be happy? HIM
Who was there to smack sense into him and talk you through those tears?ME

Who’s anger problem got so bad that you didn’t know how to function when he was home? HIM
Who did you come to for advice, even though I was an impartial party? ME

Who have you been with almost every time you’ve been in trouble with the cops? HIM
Who has supported every decision you’ve made toward your future? ME

So tell me, dear friend, what do you think is going to come of this? You’re going to get burned by your “best friend” and this time… this time I’M NOT GOING TO BE THERE. That’s your own doing.. you’ve erased me from your life in just a few short weeks. FINE.

I think I’ll follow suit.

If I tell you I love you..

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 17:58:14 -0800

You’re just too far out of reach.

I wish...

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 15:55:39 -0800

1. That you’d just calm down, and take a deep breath. It’s not over, until you give up. Which you’re doing. I’ve always been so proud of you, out of them all. And now, now you’re just ready to go down without a fight. What happened to the person I knew for all these years. Something broke you, and as I found out today.. I can’t fix it. I wish you knew how much you’re loved, I wish you knew how much you’ve grown. Please, just slow down.. everything will be yours one day, but not if you suffocate yourself in your own self pity. Trust me. I know.

2. I wish you were never born, that they’d never unwrapped the umbilical cord from your neck. In the past five years, you’ve done nothing but torn us apart. Oh that’s right, while you were having such a hard life, your younger sister was just being pummeled and molested by your step father. Never mind, you had a terrible child hood; up there on that pedistool. How could you be so cruel to your own mother? How could you do this to us? You are worthless.

3. I wish you would just die already..

Bitter? I suppose I am.

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 15:40:31 -0800

“Meagan, what are your views on marriage?”

“Well, ________, I can’t really make up my mind on that topic. Every girl is force fed lies about love and relationship by those damn Disney fairy tales. I witnessed first hand just how wrong those tales are. My dad was a class A douche bag, and my mom left him. My mother’s next husband ended up being the monster that haunts my dreams every night. I watched fight after fight. I felt beating after beating, heard scream after scream. And yet, I always held out hope that one day my prince would come riding in. Funny thing, the way children think. When things don’t look so bright, they make up their own little world, that has their own rules. Now, I know I can’t base any decision off of the bias of a couple bad marriages, but I’m pretty sure, that there is no prince coming my way. Marriage may work for others, but I don’t really have any fascination with “what ifs” these days. It’ll either happen, or it won’t. Only time will tell.”

“Dude… All you really had to say was… “I don’t know..”

Fuck!

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 10:39:25 -0800

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Yeah, I should have known better.

DAMN.

I Will Learn this..

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 11:14:02 -0800

I Will Learn this..

Blargle flargle

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 02:28:15 -0800

So.. I went longboarding today. As I’m skating on the River Trails to meet up with Johnny and Matt, I start going down this hill… only to be clipped by this douche bag bicyclist from behind.. (He had tonsssssss of space to go around me) So.. naturally.. I got launched from my board.. on the middle of a hill.. A group of older people saw it.. the older women came running to me as I’m laying on the ground… and the older man with them threw a rock and beamed the bike causing him to fall, and he still got up and took off… Anyways.. Older ladies are freaking out.. Something about an ambulance.. I tell them no ambulance and that I’m fine.. they argue with me about that.. Finally I sit up and wipe the dirt off my clothes…. tore up my palm.. bruised my knee, tore up my elbow.. and I don’t know what’s wrong with my ribs… butttttttt they hurt like a mofo..

It was intense.

And now I’m in so much pain.

I’ve also got so much more on my mind right now.

Like that bill that went to collections..

Or like the fact that I want to decapitate my brother.

So frustrating

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:12:48 -0800

You frustrate me.

You creep me out.

You won’t go away.

You are just soooooooooo….

aggravating.

I'm pretty sure...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:21:14 -0800

I fucking hate everything you are, and everything I am..

Two negatives make a positive, right?

LOGIC!

Oh.. here I go again.

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 02:25:58 -0800

I never learn.

The sad part?

I know it’s wrong.

You know it’s wrong.

The good part?

We both agree that this is ok.

What an odd combination.

Two magnets.

I’m sorry.

Truth is… I was going to kill myself that night… and then there was you. Truth...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 06:22:30 -0800

Truth is… I was going to kill myself that night… and then there was you.

Truth is… now.. I hate everything even more

That only hurt a lot. Fml I’m so stupid…

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 21:18:23 -0800

That only hurt a lot. Fml I’m so stupid…

H'm...

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 06:30:32 -0800

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know who I am. All I know is that the time we are alone together brightens my life a little. I don’t know what we’re doing. I don’t really care. You make me feel good about myself. You makeme laugh.. and you make me feel less dead inside. Why does it have to be so wrong…

Guess we’ll just have to keep it a secret..

I don’t mind ..

New Year.

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:00:13 -0800

I do believe that my mom is finally beginning to grasp how messed up I am. Emotionally and physically. Does it anger me that it’s taken her so long to see the damage that had been done so long ago? It did, but not anymore. I think the hardest part for her is coming to this realization in such a shocking manner.

December 24, 2011 a very close family friend was murdered. Why? I do not know. By who? I do not know. I do not care. (I care but I don’t). If there has been one very valuable life lesson beaten into my skull, it’s that.. while life is beautiful, it is also dark and twisted. Was our friend a bad man that deserved to be shot? I suppose it depends on the viewers perspective. Was he a Saint? No, not even close. Was he a morbid human being that had done vile things? No.

My mother expected compassion, sympathy, empathy, grief… something. I gave her nothing. Instead, I followed in my father’s example. She was upset, I bought her a Kindle. Though, I knew I was acting foolish, it did cheer her up. But she is still brooding on the thought that I have not shown sympathy for another human being in a long time, though animals are another story.

Am I hurt? Yes. Am I a wreck? No.

I can feel her curiosity surging through her every stare. She wants to know what happened to her little girl. She wants to know what took away my sympathy, my sense of humanity. She already knows the answer, so I don’t see the point in saying it.

In her own admittance I had a less than desirable childhood, which left me with nothing but bitterness towards step family and men.

The most valuable lessons I learned in our household:
Never trust anyone fully, especially if it’s expected.
Fact of the matter is, fairy tales will never come true.
Life is full of pain and misery, it’s how you express those sorrows that becomes the beauty.
The less you show, the less to be used against you.

Where did I go? I wonder that myself sometimes. Those awkward situations where a friend is crying… I’m a great shoulder to cry on.. just don’t ask me to say anything.

Sympathy will never fix a problem, it only feeds into it. The more people tell you what you want to hear, the further you get from the truth. Boyfriend cheated on you? Well, that was his decision… obviously he didn’t want to be with you anymore. So, brightside.. you’re back on the market.

See. More of the.. “stop being a whiny bitch…” kind of statement.

Where did I go mom?

Today my little sister and I had to take my son to the doctors....

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 23:28:34 -0700

Today my little sister and I had to take my son to the doctors. We had a little time to kill so we got something to eat from Safeway. We were smoking by my car when this old man wanted the spot we were standing next to. So we politely relocated to the other side of my car. He got out of his van when he was done parking and yelled. “Look!” in a fairly irritated tone. My sister and I were looking at each other trying to figure out what the hell we could have done wrong. The next thing out of his mouth was “If I were 60 years younger you wouldn’t be running away like that.” So we politely say “We were just trying to get out of your way.” and he looks at us and says “Exactly, if I were 60 years younger you wouldn’t be trying to get away from me.” and he walks towards the store. We burst out into laughter because we weren’t entirely sure what just happened. So I decided to write this note, and we placed it on his window. He got to his car just as we were pulling out of our spot, and he read the note and turned and gave us this huge smile and a thumbs up.

I will marry that old man one day. :P He’s pretty awesome.

This is me when I’m Sober. And people say you get weird...

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 08:10:19 -0700

This is me when I’m Sober. And people say you get weird when you’re high… they obviously have never met me lmao.

That dumb bitch who posts a stupid love status every five minutes.

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 08:05:52 -0700

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